A little back story

I moved back from another province back to British Columbia and my hometown in February 2011. I went from living with a roommate (my best friend whom I love) to coming back into my parents house. I had lived up North in Alberta and had a great time and then my best friend and I moved to a major city in southern Alberta. I only lived in Calgary for one month.

In that one month so many things were impressed upon me. The fact that courses I had never taken in high school would prevent me from entering a science degree, the path that I wanted to take. That at my heaviest weight I was dramatically unhealthy and that was my life. I had learned to live that way. I had excepted the fact I would always be the fat friend, fat girlfriend, fat daughter, fat sister. I learned to live three steps ahead. I told myself and everyone else that I was confident. I made choices in dating and eating and exercise and so much more that were made because I didn't value myself, love myself. Because I didn't treat MYSELF the way I need to be treated.

One day by myself in the City I had a thought, and a little spark. The thought was that I could move home and work for these things. I could complete all these high school courses I had so diligently avoided. I could lose weight. I could learn to love myself, authentically and truly. I could change.
I don't think I fully believed it was possible.

The little flicker of a spark was the hope that maybe I could. I believed it enough that I moved home. My parents were generous enough to let me live in their home and let me work on all of this. I came home and I didn't know how to do it, I just knew that I wanted it. So I closed my eyes and stumbled toward something I wasn't even sure was there. I knew if at any point in the beginning I stopped to really think it through I would get overwhelmed and give up. I focused on each step and didn't think about the mountain I was climbing. Gradually the spark grew and turned into a flame. I feel now as if I have a blaze in my chest for what I want.

I have learned a lot. None of it was easy. All of it was worth it. I have so much more to learn. With about 65lbs to go and five courses to complete, I almost feel as if I can see the peak of the mountain. Sometimes I can't. Everyday I have to believe it's there though and that I am moving toward it.

All the little things

I talk sometimes about how my life revolves around the scale. I think for a lot of people this is the case. I think it's important however that we step back. Acknowledge that the scale is integral but think about all the accomplishments that the scale doesn't read.

Last night I was cleaning out my drawers and I tried on a nightie I hadn't tried on since around the late summer probably. It was too tight then. I remember it very clearly being too tight. The way it clung to my stomach. So I tried it on, and it was too big. I couldn't believe it.

We, people on a weight loss journey, I feel often for weeks at a time get caught up on a small group of numbers on the scale and all too rarely think about the small things. The things that have enriched our lives.

I'm active now. I went from being a sedentary person to wanting to push myself physically. Challenge myself. I'm learning to run, the thing I loathed doing before. I'm more honest with myself and others, because I'm less afraid to me. I'm more assertive. My confidence has morphed from false to legitimate and real. Even at this weight, I don't mind pictures being taken of me where I used to run from it (clearly not literally). I smile more. I like clothes shopping more. I like that I'm starting to not be able to buy from plus size clothing stores. I like that this process has given me the mental and physical tools to deal with stress in a much more healthy way. I like that my body can move. I like that I like to move now. And hey, I don't mind looking at myself on the way to the shower either.

At this point I absolutely cannot envision giving up the scale. It's important and I see why and with so much weight to go, it's necessary. With that said, take a minute people. Think about the things you couldn't do before but can do now. The things that you didn't like but do now. The the way your life and body have changed beyond a number. Give yourself a pat on the back.

Saturday weigh-in

So overall this past week has been a pretty positive one. I ate fairly sensibly most of the days and worked out as soon as the gym was open and I was better. With that said I had a dramatic (for me) weight loss last Saturday so I weighed myself this Saturday and the numbers came out like this:

Previous weigh in: 240lbs.

Saturday the 7th of January weigh in: 241.8lbs.

Loss -/ Gain +: +1.8lbs

Goal for Saturday the 14th of January: 239.5

I could be upset if I wanted and honestly, I'm a smidgen disappointed. However with the weight I have lost in the past three weeks it comes out to over three pounds a week lost so I can't be devastated. Those are good numbers. So I'm taking it with a grain of salt and really focusing on this week.

However on Saturday I was walking around kind of discouraged and mopey. I caught myself. I have lost almost a hundred pounds so far, which is kind of amazing. In the face of that I need to remind myself, what can stop me? But more importantly what would I ever let stop me? Because nothing can stop me if I don't allow it. So really the only one that can stop me, discourage me or sabotage me is myself. I can't let something like this stop me. Especially when there will be much greater obstacles ahead. How could I give up, at all, when I'm so far into this journey? It might be an incredibly long way to the finish line, but I'm just too far into the race to doubt whether I should be here or not.

On another note, I sent away for a copy of my British mothers birth certificate and a copy of my parents marriage license. So getting my British passport I feel is coming a long quite well. When I get them I can send off for it (along with a lot of other documents and paperwork), so I feel good about that.

Also I have been setting myself allotted school work to do each day and I have been pretty much accomplishing that. Saturday when I worked I didn't do any but yesterday I did do some. It's a lot more than I was doing before and I feel way less stressed out. Do you ever let things go or avoid them because they seem insurmountable and then avoid them for that reason as well? Allow the stress to collect? I was thinking this can be true for me in many other ways besides school.

As for my weekly goal of 239.5lbs? I'm desperate for it. I honestly think that it's less than I weighed in grade seven. Sometimes it feels like I live weigh-in to weigh-in and sometimes it feels like I live more now than I ever did before.

Point one Becky.

Yesterday was a really good day, but it really showed me something. It showed me that learning to stop eating when your full is a really long process and maybe it gets easier but maybe It doesn't stop. I know that isn't revolutionary but even in the beginning of my weight loss and really up until a couple months ago I was still overeating. I can't remember a time when I didn't finish what was on my plate if I found it appetizing. When losing weight I just have done my best to make my plate less full, but if ever I intentionally or unintentionally took too much food, I ate it. Not binge eating but still overeating.

I had a great eating day yesterday, two very appropriately sized nutritious meals and a fantastic workout. I did a great cardio session and a lower body workout and then when it came time for dinner my mum made paella. I think in cutting out a lot of processed foods from my diet I have learned to appreciate the taste of real food more. She made it with brown rice and it was delicious. Like stop and give her a round of applause delicious. So I tested it before we all ate dinner, about three times. Which is a bad habit but I could have gotten over that. Then I ate my meal and I was plenty full, not just not hungry, but full. Then when I went back into the kitchen I ate more 'bites'. I'm so bad for the 'bites' too. Like if I have four spoonfuls of something it doesn't have the calories as it would have if it had been on a plate. It's like I just smother the common sense Becky that is yelling 'it might be delicious but your full, so why eat?'. I ended up being mad at myself after such a good day.

This morning however, I had paella for breakfast (Hey, it really was delicious) but I didn't overeat. In fact I did something kind of sensational for me, I left food on the plate. I put it in the fridge and did something else. It's such a small thing but such a big thing for me. I feel like I won that battle, and that's all a war is composed of right?, a long series of battles? It isn't just the scale numbers that give me hope. I don't think it can be just that in something like this. It's the little things as well. Point one Becky.

2012 Goals

My 2012 goals are thus:

* Finish losing weight.

* Travel to Europe.

* Get my British citizenship.

* Finish my high school upgrading.

* Go bungee jumping.

* Work on flying anxiety.


Losing weight: This is a lifelong journey I started in February of 2011. I weighed 340lbs and I want to be at a goal weight of around 175. I have every faith the next 65lbs will be dramatically harder then the first 100lbs but I want it. I want it really bad. And I want to be there this year.

Get my British citizenship: My mother is British so whilst I am Canadian I am eligible to apply for dual citizenship and my British passport. For tons of reasons this would be exciting to have. The first step was harassing my mum into sending away for a copy of her lost birth certificate which is done. Now I wait two weeks until I can assume my role in the process.

Travel to Europe: I have dual Citizenship with England and half my family is there. Whilst I loathe flying because it's my worst fear, ironically I love to travel. I want to see so many things in Europe. I want to spend a lot of time In England to see if I would be interested in living there for a while. I want to go by myself. I want adventure. This is it. I have already started saving up for it and I'm already excited. I originally wanted to make this sort of a positive deadline for my weight loss. Lose all the weight by August something and take off. However, I didn't expect the extra skin issue. Because I have been so big my whole life I already have a lot of extra skin on my arms and sides and more I know to come. Do I really want to go to Europe like this? If I have the surgery I know I will need to have it takes two months to recover and will push me into winter which would be an unfortunate time to go. I have to think on this, but I really want it THIS year.

Finish my high school upgrading: I have done some college but to take the kind of degree I'm considering taking I need courses as prerequisites I have never taken. So I'm taking them, and dragging my but about it. In a big way. I want to accomplish this in 2012 and never see it again.

Bungee Jumping: It may sound a little silly, my brother got a gift certificate for Christmas and has no one to go with an I said I would go with him. This is something never in my life I would have considered actually going through with before. I'm less self conscious now and I feel like I have spent a lot of years in a lot of ways sitting on the sidelines. That isn't me anymore, this is part of that.

Flying Anxiety: It is so possible I am the worst person to fly with you have ever met. I used to be totally fine flying and now it's my worst fear. I know it's ridiculous but I can work myself into a panic attack just thinking about it. Actually 40,000 feet in the air? It's absurd. I'm a terror filled basket case of proportions not seen by many. I love to travel and see new places so I know I need to get over this. I'm not sure how, but I really want to make progress with this in 2012. After all, my flight to England will be ten hours.

Best hopes and good luck for all for a New Year, if your anything like me, your going to need them.

And onward

Today was all about starting back up. You might think, why not January 1st? If your thinking that I can only assume it's because you did not ingest the amount of alcohol I did December 31st. Brava to you, the rest of us needed to regain fluids and attempt not to lose any more ; )

Also I have been really sick and therefore have been unable to go to the gym. Honestly, I'm still not a hundred percent but I am good enough I felt to hit the gym. It felt awesome to even go. I mean it didn't all day before knowing I was going to. Once I had come and gone though it did. It just makes me feel more positive and less anxious or mopey or anything negative like that.

I couldn't do a ton. I did about twenty five minutes on the elliptical, forty reclining situps and a little arm work. The doctor said I had to go easy today and honestly I completely agree. I was breathing in at the end of my twenty five minutes and my chest was hurting. Hopefully, I can go a little longer tomorrow and continue on that trend.

This last week of being sick and it being the holidays, I was happy for the holidays but I have felt overwhelmingly more anxious and stressed. It isn't all gone from going to the gym, but I can honestly say it significantly helped.

There are so many things besides weight loss that seem to be shelved because of it. Sometimes this isn't realistic but in my life most of the time it is. This can't continue, I know I need to find a way to better combine the two. Whether it's work harder or do a better job of managing my time. I feel like it's a strong combination of the two. Maybe setting mini goals for the day? Regardless, school needs to be a priority in the way it just hasn't been. I'm upgrading certain high school courses like Bio 12 and Chem 12 ect. I hate it, it's interesting but I hate learning this way. I'm all about being verbal, ingesting all my material through reading can be challenging. I have been majorly procrastinating. I'm hoping by writing this I will offer more accountability. I'm considering trying to take my approach to weight loss and using it for school. There is so much to do, it's overwhelming, much like my starting weight. So start, working a little everyday, being accountable to myself and trying to make myself proud.

Post being a baby.

I was decidedly being a drama queen yesterday. Yesterday I ate sushi and appetizers and none of it was good for me. I didn't binge but I definitely overate. I'm finding it's a little bit of an art going form ignoring hunger and satiation cues for years and than learning when to stop eating. Then to be able to stop eating what you love when it's in front of you. Then to not think about where it is in the house and have it in the back of your head. I'm not making leaps with this, but I do feel I have taken some small steps.

It was New Years Eve last night. I drank. I ate. I was merry. I feel a little differently about the drop in weight and probable and eventual gain. I can't change if I gain weight from being sick and not eating and then getting better and eating.

What I can do is what I do. I can eat well. I can try and eat within my calories. I can go to the gym tomorrow. I can go to the gym every day until my weigh in next Saturday. I need to stop worrying about the things I cannot change and worry about what is within my power reasonably. I'm not going to starve myself to stay at this number. I'm going to do what I can. I'm going to get back there. I'm not going to stop. I'm not going to.