Tonight I really can't stop the tears from coming. I feel cheated. I feel like I never had a chance for my body to look it's best. I started gaining weight in kindergarten and all through elementary school and middle school and high school I had a radically self destructive relationship with food.
I don't honestly know where it came from. Maybe watching someone I love emotionally eat? When I thought food I thought delicious and something to look forward to and comfort and happiness. That in itself shouldn't be the reason a 340lb 18 year old comes to be. Whatever it was, it was. It was my life and that's all I ever knew, that's all I remember. So it lead me to the point it did and I have done my best to change my life in the past year. And I have. It's different, things are not easy but it is so beautifully different. Except with 53lbs still to lose I have skin hanging off of me in flaps, on my arms drastically, my breasts, my sides and my stomach.
Lately I have been researching the surgeries I will need and I have seen the scars these amazing people have, pictures even from several years later. They make me want to scream, I am so young! I am too young to be on blood pressure medication or to have a sedentary lifestyle but for heaven's sake, aren't I too young to have thick scars lining my arms? My breasts? My sides? My stomach?
When I was young I had excema that left scars on my legs so as a teenager I covered up my legs and arms. I got over the faded scars but didn't want to wear sleeveless shirts or shorts because of how overweight I was. I lost/am losing weight. Now I am diagnosed with a skin condition leaving pale stains looking similar to scars all over my legs and arms. They will just keep coming. I am staring at a future of vicious scars all along my body. Is that fair?
Tomorrow I will keep going and be brave and deal with life as it comes, but tonight I don't feel like it's fair. I feel cheated.
No comments:
Post a Comment