For me.

I feel thrown off. My head and body feel off. I have been so strong in my head and body in recent months but I am now feeling thrown off in several different ways. Mentally I have felt tired without reason, I have not been feeling very good about myself, I have been reluctant in working out (although I have) and more anxious. Physically I have been snacking between meals (not majorly but a couple bites here and there and it all adds up) and other less polite physical conditions that make you feel permanently clogged up. I just feel off in general. I was doing so well and then honestly I think I booked my ticket to England.

Before I think it felt like my weight loss was all for me, I set myself challenging goals but I had no deadlines or hard stone dates to lose by. So I book myself this last minute flight to travel in England in almost exactly five weeks from today. I did this about a week ago. I'm clearly unstable. Who with a huge irrational fear of flying books a ten hour plane ticket less than two months away? ...Clearly a boy is involved.

So now I have this date, March 20th that I plan on flying to England. All of a sudden it's 'how many pounds can I lose between now and then?'. I have so few clothes in the way that fit me because they are now too big and I can't afford to buy new ones because of this trip. So I have goal clothes I have mentioned before and really they need a minimum ten or fifteen pounds lost to wear well and that is what I have to wear. So I am stressing all the time with if I don't lose X amount of pounds then I will have literally nothing to wear with the exception of pajamas and workout clothes.

I think before I set goals for myself but I didn't have to lose weight FOR anything. And now I feel stressed and because now I have to, I don't want to. I'm starting to snack and dragging my feet to the gym. I'm being hard on myself waiting for a certain date. I shouldn't be living life only preparing for one date. And I shouldn't be losing weight for anything but me, my health and my happiness. I need to refocus myself. Eating and working out for me, not for clothes or a trip or a guy. I'm not sure what I will do for clothes but I am going to do my best to not worry about that until a week before I leave, not even think about it. If my clothes don't fit then, I will figure something out but it will not be the end of the world. I need to eat, exercise and lose weight for me only.