So last week I made a handful of goals.
1) Stop eating when I am full at each meal.
2) Go to the gym everyday.
3) Send away for my British passport and all the work that includes.
4) Work on school at least six days this week and complete a math test.
Okay so here is how I did:
1) Kind of, not every meal. I'm trying to think back and I remember I did some slight over-eating at some points and snacked a little when I shouldn't have but overall I'm pretty happy with what I put in my body this week. Could be better, wasn't bad by a long shot.
2) I went to the gym five out of seven days this week. When I didn't go it was because I was on meds for a savage period and was in no shape to be out of bed let alone at a gym. Otherwise I had some fantastic workouts and will be sharing my progress with that tomorrow.
3) No, I didn't send away for my British passport. I have everything I need to do it now though and intend to fill out all my paperwork and send it out this week.
4) No, and this is the worst one. I got barely any school work done this week. I have a problem with anxiety and I feel like a side effect might be a lack of concentration. I have an appointment with my doctor on Thursday to discuss this. Regardless, I want to get a certain amount of Biology and Math done this week.
I didn't reach all of my goals entirely and maybe I made them a bit stiff but I don't feel so bad about some of them like the eating or the gym, I tried and achieved even if I didn't quite get all the way there.
Goals for this week:
1) Finish the current section of biology I am in and start a new one. Do my math assignment and study and complete the quiz for it.
2) Strive to stop eating when full.
3) Go to the gym six days in the next seven, at least.
4) See my doctor and discuss anxiety.
5) Fill out the paperwork and send away for my British passport.
I am going to do my very best to achieve these this week, I have made them slightly more specific than last week which I think is smart.
I also want to be in the 220's this Saturday weigh-in, but I'm not putting that one on the goal list. It would however make next week's 'hell yeah list'.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
9 Week Plan
New Goal. New big goal which I am determined to rock. Today I was kept in bed with vicious cramps. Because of that, I did a lot of thinking.
Recently I have been thinking about moving to England (I printed off all the necessary forms today and have collected all the documents) but at the same time although I am a dual citizen applying for my passport so I can live and work there, I have never been there!
I was planning on going over having saved up more money and having lost all the weight I need to. Maybe even having had the eventual surgeries I will need to remove the excess skin I have ( and of which there will be much more of by that point). I assumed I would go over with enough money to stay if I wanted to but unsure if I would. I would stay with family and travel for a couple months, look into schools, see family and then decide.
I came up a new idea today. Going over for two weeks in April to see if I like it, visiting family, looking into schools and seeing some sights. I also do have another motive for this that I haven't really talked about yet. I won't lie, it involves a guy. That isn't the main reason but it'll make the trip even more amazing. Then if I decide I want to move I have to start saving all over again.
I can't say for certain I am going to do this, I need to see if I can get an incredibly cheap flight closer to the time (C'mon Air Transat!). However I am going to act as if this is what is going to happen. I have things I need to accomplish if I want to go around the first of April, some that are wants and some that are needs. I will however, again treat these all as needs.
Goals Before Trip To England:
- Save up another 1500 dollars. In two months. With pretty much no employment, that makes this incredibly challenging. But if you think I am above doing everything with the exception of selling my body or becoming a hitman you are so wrong.
-Lose 21 pounds by April 1st. This means losing an average of 2.3 pounds a week over the next nine weeks. I am terrified of hitting a plateau. I haven't hit one yet and I'm positive and paranoid it's coming. It will be challenge at this stage to lose 2.3lbs a week but I will work my ass off, literally. It will bring me to the BMI range, overweight and not obese.
-I have to finish Biology which which will take some hard work but is entirely doable and I want to be almost finished my math course by the time I leave.
Big goals. Worthwhile goals. Huge payoff.
Recently I have been thinking about moving to England (I printed off all the necessary forms today and have collected all the documents) but at the same time although I am a dual citizen applying for my passport so I can live and work there, I have never been there!
I was planning on going over having saved up more money and having lost all the weight I need to. Maybe even having had the eventual surgeries I will need to remove the excess skin I have ( and of which there will be much more of by that point). I assumed I would go over with enough money to stay if I wanted to but unsure if I would. I would stay with family and travel for a couple months, look into schools, see family and then decide.
I came up a new idea today. Going over for two weeks in April to see if I like it, visiting family, looking into schools and seeing some sights. I also do have another motive for this that I haven't really talked about yet. I won't lie, it involves a guy. That isn't the main reason but it'll make the trip even more amazing. Then if I decide I want to move I have to start saving all over again.
I can't say for certain I am going to do this, I need to see if I can get an incredibly cheap flight closer to the time (C'mon Air Transat!). However I am going to act as if this is what is going to happen. I have things I need to accomplish if I want to go around the first of April, some that are wants and some that are needs. I will however, again treat these all as needs.
Goals Before Trip To England:
- Save up another 1500 dollars. In two months. With pretty much no employment, that makes this incredibly challenging. But if you think I am above doing everything with the exception of selling my body or becoming a hitman you are so wrong.
-Lose 21 pounds by April 1st. This means losing an average of 2.3 pounds a week over the next nine weeks. I am terrified of hitting a plateau. I haven't hit one yet and I'm positive and paranoid it's coming. It will be challenge at this stage to lose 2.3lbs a week but I will work my ass off, literally. It will bring me to the BMI range, overweight and not obese.
-I have to finish Biology which which will take some hard work but is entirely doable and I want to be almost finished my math course by the time I leave.
Big goals. Worthwhile goals. Huge payoff.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Just Do It
“Just Do It”. Nike had something with that one. 'Just do it' is when you don't want to, don't feel like it, can think of a thousand excuses why not, and still do it. It's essentially forcing yourself to do it. Maybe not even thinking about what your about to do, or at least not dwelling on it, so you don't have time to make up reasons why not.
This has been incredibly instrumental in the fitness component of my weight loss. From the beginning to the now this has been true. The first time I ever went to the gym I looked inside the windows and knew I was going to be the largest person there. I would most definitely be sweating the most whilst being able to physically do the least. I was insecure and terribly embarrassed, but I bit my cheek and Just Did It.
When I have grown frustrated with the pace of my weight loss, when I have grown tired of the monotony of going everyday, when I was sore or tired or PMSing, I just did it. I have never regretted that. But typically you don't regret GOING to the gym do you? 90% of the times I haven't gone I have regretted it.
Because of this I have transformed so much about my body. Not just the way I look or how much I weigh but how I feel. Before at the age of 19 I had high blood pressure, at 20 it's fantastic. I LIKE to move now, I like to twirl and dance and get up and move around. I like to walk. I workout almost everyday. The world has changed because I have changed. I look at it less as being full of obstacles and more full of things I can do. The sentiment of 'Just Do It' has changed me.
What I have been trying to do recently and really want to do is take that same sentiment and use it towards eating. When I am full but there is still more delicious food on my plate and I know I shouldn't eat anymore, when I know I shouldn't be picking before dinner, when I know I should just say no. I need to 'Just Do It'. I need to not dwell on it, not think about how good it would taste or feel or how it would be just another few bites. I need to say no and I need to walk away. I need to Just Do It.
This has been incredibly instrumental in the fitness component of my weight loss. From the beginning to the now this has been true. The first time I ever went to the gym I looked inside the windows and knew I was going to be the largest person there. I would most definitely be sweating the most whilst being able to physically do the least. I was insecure and terribly embarrassed, but I bit my cheek and Just Did It.
When I have grown frustrated with the pace of my weight loss, when I have grown tired of the monotony of going everyday, when I was sore or tired or PMSing, I just did it. I have never regretted that. But typically you don't regret GOING to the gym do you? 90% of the times I haven't gone I have regretted it.
Because of this I have transformed so much about my body. Not just the way I look or how much I weigh but how I feel. Before at the age of 19 I had high blood pressure, at 20 it's fantastic. I LIKE to move now, I like to twirl and dance and get up and move around. I like to walk. I workout almost everyday. The world has changed because I have changed. I look at it less as being full of obstacles and more full of things I can do. The sentiment of 'Just Do It' has changed me.
What I have been trying to do recently and really want to do is take that same sentiment and use it towards eating. When I am full but there is still more delicious food on my plate and I know I shouldn't eat anymore, when I know I shouldn't be picking before dinner, when I know I should just say no. I need to 'Just Do It'. I need to not dwell on it, not think about how good it would taste or feel or how it would be just another few bites. I need to say no and I need to walk away. I need to Just Do It.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Back from Vancouver,
Today I got back from four days staying in Vancouver. I went down because I had a dermatology appointment, I had to wait quite a while for it and I saw a fantastic doctor. With that said, it wasn't fantastic news. I was diagnosed with something that leaves small pale white blotches on my skin. There is nothing that really gets rid of them, more will appear but it is purely cosmetic. On the one hand I am disappointed (RE: Choked that I workout in part to change my appearance and it's being deformed against my will) but on the other I think I need to strive for the grace to remember it is only superficial.
So that wasn't the best news and I'm still struggling with that. Something else I found difficult in the almost five days away was eating. I had some small weight loss triumphs and many more falls I need to learn from.
What I did right: I worked out everyday I was coming, going and there except for one. All of my breakfasts were positive choices, all reasonable in calories and nutrition. Clocked a fair amount of walking hours. Ran my first mile without stopping.
What I did wrong: Oh man, I ate way too much. I ate lots of white carbs and cheese and so many delicious things. Indian food and Japanese food and Mexican food galore. I didn't stop eating most of the time when I was full (disappointing). I snacked when I wasn't hungry.
Maybe I feel like I am not quite as far ahead as I thought I was. I have so much to learn. I will learn it though. I think it's practice. I need to force myself to make the right choices with stopping eating when I'm full. I need to do it again and again until it becomes second nature. Right now it still feels forced, but again, I will get there.
Goals for the next week:
1) Stop eating when I am full at each meal.
2) Go to the gym everyday.
3) Send away for my British passport and all the work that includes.
4) Work on school at least six days this week and complete a math test.
I'm excited to get back on track. This isn't a diet, if It was I would have fallen off the past four days. This is my life and all there is, is forever. I'm happy to be home and I'm looking forward to accomplishing these things this week. Let's see how it goes!
So that wasn't the best news and I'm still struggling with that. Something else I found difficult in the almost five days away was eating. I had some small weight loss triumphs and many more falls I need to learn from.
What I did right: I worked out everyday I was coming, going and there except for one. All of my breakfasts were positive choices, all reasonable in calories and nutrition. Clocked a fair amount of walking hours. Ran my first mile without stopping.
What I did wrong: Oh man, I ate way too much. I ate lots of white carbs and cheese and so many delicious things. Indian food and Japanese food and Mexican food galore. I didn't stop eating most of the time when I was full (disappointing). I snacked when I wasn't hungry.
Maybe I feel like I am not quite as far ahead as I thought I was. I have so much to learn. I will learn it though. I think it's practice. I need to force myself to make the right choices with stopping eating when I'm full. I need to do it again and again until it becomes second nature. Right now it still feels forced, but again, I will get there.
Goals for the next week:
1) Stop eating when I am full at each meal.
2) Go to the gym everyday.
3) Send away for my British passport and all the work that includes.
4) Work on school at least six days this week and complete a math test.
I'm excited to get back on track. This isn't a diet, if It was I would have fallen off the past four days. This is my life and all there is, is forever. I'm happy to be home and I'm looking forward to accomplishing these things this week. Let's see how it goes!
Monday, January 16, 2012
Don't know what I'm doing, Only why I'm doing it
I don't know how to do this. I really don't know how to blog.
Often I had thought of making one before and had made a half hearted attempt at it in the past but it never amounted to anything. Or I made one and I didn't lose any weight. I suppose why I didn't start a blog at the beginning of this weight loss journey was because I really didn't believe I was going to lose the weight.
Over a month ago I started reading a blog called 'A merry life'. I was hooked instantly, I went back several years and read all of her posts. I could relate to so much of it, she got it, she was living it, had lived it. I didn't think of it at first then I started considering attempting the same thing. Not the same sort necessarily other than the fact they are weight loss blogs. I'm not a professional writer or blogger and I really don't expect very many people to read this.
When I decided to create this blog I had lost almost 100lbs. I felt at a point where I knew I wouldn't quit. I wanted to document the rest of my journey in something other than pictures. I wanted to express what I was going through. And maybe someone, eventually, could read my jumbled words and in someway relate to them.
Even still, I didn't really know how. I created this blog and I just sort of started talking. I still have so many questions about it, Should my posts be more focused? How much of my life outside of weight loss should I speak about? Should I post pictures? Ones with my face? How do I improve? It goes on and on.
I don't know how to do this, I don't know what I'm doing, but I know why I want to do this. Because of that the beginning of this blog feels a lot like the beginning of my weight loss.
Often I had thought of making one before and had made a half hearted attempt at it in the past but it never amounted to anything. Or I made one and I didn't lose any weight. I suppose why I didn't start a blog at the beginning of this weight loss journey was because I really didn't believe I was going to lose the weight.
Over a month ago I started reading a blog called 'A merry life'. I was hooked instantly, I went back several years and read all of her posts. I could relate to so much of it, she got it, she was living it, had lived it. I didn't think of it at first then I started considering attempting the same thing. Not the same sort necessarily other than the fact they are weight loss blogs. I'm not a professional writer or blogger and I really don't expect very many people to read this.
When I decided to create this blog I had lost almost 100lbs. I felt at a point where I knew I wouldn't quit. I wanted to document the rest of my journey in something other than pictures. I wanted to express what I was going through. And maybe someone, eventually, could read my jumbled words and in someway relate to them.
Even still, I didn't really know how. I created this blog and I just sort of started talking. I still have so many questions about it, Should my posts be more focused? How much of my life outside of weight loss should I speak about? Should I post pictures? Ones with my face? How do I improve? It goes on and on.
I don't know how to do this, I don't know what I'm doing, but I know why I want to do this. Because of that the beginning of this blog feels a lot like the beginning of my weight loss.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Overall happy
I am still excited from weighing-in yesterday. 36Lbs to ONDERLAND baby. When I started losing weight I couldn't fathom being at all close to the 100's. Now? I can almost see it in the distance.
I went over somewhat on my calories today, I couldn't really estimate the calories in dinner but it definitely wasn't the rest of my daily allowance, but I also don't think it was tragically over either. I went to the gym and had a great workout. A typical workout for me right now if I have time is:
-35 minutes on the elliptical
-12 minutes on the treadmill (half running and half power walking)
-Alternating days of two or three either upper body or lower body machines
-36 crunches.
I'm hoping to soon bump it up to three minutes running and two minutes walking and immediately I'm going to be adding more crunches. On the elliptical I have my incline at a 12 and my resistance at an 11. If I don't have time often my workout is just the elliptical, but I so badly want to be a runner so I need to work on that.
With four and a half days of eating out beginning on Tuesday I'm not entirely sure how to deal with it. I know I can't eat three meals out and stay within my daily caloric allowance. My current theory is to try and make half decent choices, to workout and swim everyday and to stop eating when I'm full up. Hopefully, HOPEFULLY that will be enough to maintain. But, I'm still worried about it.
I am not doing enough school work, I sort of came to the conclusion today that I'm not doing it because I don't feel that I will ever accomplish it. I am really, truly going to try to take my strategy for weight loss to school work.
With that said, I feel happy. It's almost a year since I started losing weight and trying to change my life. And I'm just happy. Stressed sometimes, irritable others, emotional occasionally but overall happy.
I went over somewhat on my calories today, I couldn't really estimate the calories in dinner but it definitely wasn't the rest of my daily allowance, but I also don't think it was tragically over either. I went to the gym and had a great workout. A typical workout for me right now if I have time is:
-35 minutes on the elliptical
-12 minutes on the treadmill (half running and half power walking)
-Alternating days of two or three either upper body or lower body machines
-36 crunches.
I'm hoping to soon bump it up to three minutes running and two minutes walking and immediately I'm going to be adding more crunches. On the elliptical I have my incline at a 12 and my resistance at an 11. If I don't have time often my workout is just the elliptical, but I so badly want to be a runner so I need to work on that.
With four and a half days of eating out beginning on Tuesday I'm not entirely sure how to deal with it. I know I can't eat three meals out and stay within my daily caloric allowance. My current theory is to try and make half decent choices, to workout and swim everyday and to stop eating when I'm full up. Hopefully, HOPEFULLY that will be enough to maintain. But, I'm still worried about it.
I am not doing enough school work, I sort of came to the conclusion today that I'm not doing it because I don't feel that I will ever accomplish it. I am really, truly going to try to take my strategy for weight loss to school work.
With that said, I feel happy. It's almost a year since I started losing weight and trying to change my life. And I'm just happy. Stressed sometimes, irritable others, emotional occasionally but overall happy.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Saturday Weigh-In # 2
Previous Weight : 241.8lbs
Current Weight: 236lbs
Weight lost this week: -5.8lbs
Goal for February 4th: 229 and below.
It's hard to know how to react to this weight. I think maybe last week with my minor gain my body was still reacting to being sick and adjusting afterward. I think in part (hopefully) this is just my body playing catch up. Also this week I counted calories. Never exactly, but always a running rough total in my brain. I tried to have it between fifteen hundred and two thousand calories. I also pretty much always stopped eating when I was full. I think I am most proud of that.
This week I am heading to Vancouver for four days for a doctors appointment and a mini vacation. I leave on Tuesday and I am coming back on Saturday. I really want to have a great time, but I also don't want to throw out all my eating habits whilst I'm there. That is four and a half days of eating out. I'm going to try to make the best choices I can for wherever we eat and most importantly, stop eating when I am full. Beyond that, I am going to try to workout before I leave on Tuesday and I know there is a gym at the hotel so I need to commit to workouts everyday there as well. Plus a few laps in the pool, which I'm excited about.
I am in the 230's. I am a happy girl. I can almost taste the 220's. I don't think I'll weigh myself this coming Saturday just because I know I will ingest a lot more sodium than I usually do and won't have an accurate reading. The following Saturday I will probably be on my period and because I don't weigh myself at that time of the month, my next weigh-in is in three weeks on the 4th of February. My goal for February the 4th is to be in the 220's. I would be seriously happy with 229. It's going to be hard not weighing in but I think it's a smart choice, we'll see if I can abstain from the scale.
Current Weight: 236lbs
Weight lost this week: -5.8lbs
Goal for February 4th: 229 and below.
It's hard to know how to react to this weight. I think maybe last week with my minor gain my body was still reacting to being sick and adjusting afterward. I think in part (hopefully) this is just my body playing catch up. Also this week I counted calories. Never exactly, but always a running rough total in my brain. I tried to have it between fifteen hundred and two thousand calories. I also pretty much always stopped eating when I was full. I think I am most proud of that.
This week I am heading to Vancouver for four days for a doctors appointment and a mini vacation. I leave on Tuesday and I am coming back on Saturday. I really want to have a great time, but I also don't want to throw out all my eating habits whilst I'm there. That is four and a half days of eating out. I'm going to try to make the best choices I can for wherever we eat and most importantly, stop eating when I am full. Beyond that, I am going to try to workout before I leave on Tuesday and I know there is a gym at the hotel so I need to commit to workouts everyday there as well. Plus a few laps in the pool, which I'm excited about.
I am in the 230's. I am a happy girl. I can almost taste the 220's. I don't think I'll weigh myself this coming Saturday just because I know I will ingest a lot more sodium than I usually do and won't have an accurate reading. The following Saturday I will probably be on my period and because I don't weigh myself at that time of the month, my next weigh-in is in three weeks on the 4th of February. My goal for February the 4th is to be in the 220's. I would be seriously happy with 229. It's going to be hard not weighing in but I think it's a smart choice, we'll see if I can abstain from the scale.
Friday, January 13, 2012
My ideal.
Today I woke up and compared myself to every other female I could see. I looked in the mirror and despite the fact I have come so far with positive body image and loving myself, It wasn't what I wanted. I am 5'11 and I have a large build, aside from the fact I'm fat.
This means a couple of things. My ideal weight I am told ranges from the late 160's/early 170's to the late 180's/early 190's. Which means I will be at my ideal weight sooner then if I stood at 5'2. It means I carry my weight a heck of a lot easier than if I was 5'2. However, I will never be petite. I'll never be a little thing. On my good days I am more than okay with that. On the good days I like my height and I am thankful for it and the curves on my body. On my not so good days I want to be the same size as the females next to me on the ellipticals at the gym. I want to be little. Short or petite or both.
I went to the gym anyway today. I'm glad I did. Sometimes my mind goes in places I hate in comparing myself to other girls. Inherently I know and believe though that not only is that wrong, it's futile. If you compare yourself to someone else, you will ALWAYS fall short. Your not them and you can never be them. If you compare yourself to yourself, how can you lose? Your the only one of you to compare yourself to. I want to be the best possible version of myself. Not of anyone else. Me.
So on that note, It is the Saturday weekly weigh-in tomorrow. I'm hoping for anything in the 240's. I have tried pretty hard this week, I have gone to the gym everyday, mindfully ate and I'm hoping that reflects on the scale.
This means a couple of things. My ideal weight I am told ranges from the late 160's/early 170's to the late 180's/early 190's. Which means I will be at my ideal weight sooner then if I stood at 5'2. It means I carry my weight a heck of a lot easier than if I was 5'2. However, I will never be petite. I'll never be a little thing. On my good days I am more than okay with that. On the good days I like my height and I am thankful for it and the curves on my body. On my not so good days I want to be the same size as the females next to me on the ellipticals at the gym. I want to be little. Short or petite or both.
I went to the gym anyway today. I'm glad I did. Sometimes my mind goes in places I hate in comparing myself to other girls. Inherently I know and believe though that not only is that wrong, it's futile. If you compare yourself to someone else, you will ALWAYS fall short. Your not them and you can never be them. If you compare yourself to yourself, how can you lose? Your the only one of you to compare yourself to. I want to be the best possible version of myself. Not of anyone else. Me.
So on that note, It is the Saturday weekly weigh-in tomorrow. I'm hoping for anything in the 240's. I have tried pretty hard this week, I have gone to the gym everyday, mindfully ate and I'm hoping that reflects on the scale.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
A little back story
I moved back from another province back to British Columbia and my hometown in February 2011. I went from living with a roommate (my best friend whom I love) to coming back into my parents house. I had lived up North in Alberta and had a great time and then my best friend and I moved to a major city in southern Alberta. I only lived in Calgary for one month.
In that one month so many things were impressed upon me. The fact that courses I had never taken in high school would prevent me from entering a science degree, the path that I wanted to take. That at my heaviest weight I was dramatically unhealthy and that was my life. I had learned to live that way. I had excepted the fact I would always be the fat friend, fat girlfriend, fat daughter, fat sister. I learned to live three steps ahead. I told myself and everyone else that I was confident. I made choices in dating and eating and exercise and so much more that were made because I didn't value myself, love myself. Because I didn't treat MYSELF the way I need to be treated.
One day by myself in the City I had a thought, and a little spark. The thought was that I could move home and work for these things. I could complete all these high school courses I had so diligently avoided. I could lose weight. I could learn to love myself, authentically and truly. I could change.
I don't think I fully believed it was possible.
The little flicker of a spark was the hope that maybe I could. I believed it enough that I moved home. My parents were generous enough to let me live in their home and let me work on all of this. I came home and I didn't know how to do it, I just knew that I wanted it. So I closed my eyes and stumbled toward something I wasn't even sure was there. I knew if at any point in the beginning I stopped to really think it through I would get overwhelmed and give up. I focused on each step and didn't think about the mountain I was climbing. Gradually the spark grew and turned into a flame. I feel now as if I have a blaze in my chest for what I want.
I have learned a lot. None of it was easy. All of it was worth it. I have so much more to learn. With about 65lbs to go and five courses to complete, I almost feel as if I can see the peak of the mountain. Sometimes I can't. Everyday I have to believe it's there though and that I am moving toward it.
In that one month so many things were impressed upon me. The fact that courses I had never taken in high school would prevent me from entering a science degree, the path that I wanted to take. That at my heaviest weight I was dramatically unhealthy and that was my life. I had learned to live that way. I had excepted the fact I would always be the fat friend, fat girlfriend, fat daughter, fat sister. I learned to live three steps ahead. I told myself and everyone else that I was confident. I made choices in dating and eating and exercise and so much more that were made because I didn't value myself, love myself. Because I didn't treat MYSELF the way I need to be treated.
One day by myself in the City I had a thought, and a little spark. The thought was that I could move home and work for these things. I could complete all these high school courses I had so diligently avoided. I could lose weight. I could learn to love myself, authentically and truly. I could change.
I don't think I fully believed it was possible.
The little flicker of a spark was the hope that maybe I could. I believed it enough that I moved home. My parents were generous enough to let me live in their home and let me work on all of this. I came home and I didn't know how to do it, I just knew that I wanted it. So I closed my eyes and stumbled toward something I wasn't even sure was there. I knew if at any point in the beginning I stopped to really think it through I would get overwhelmed and give up. I focused on each step and didn't think about the mountain I was climbing. Gradually the spark grew and turned into a flame. I feel now as if I have a blaze in my chest for what I want.
I have learned a lot. None of it was easy. All of it was worth it. I have so much more to learn. With about 65lbs to go and five courses to complete, I almost feel as if I can see the peak of the mountain. Sometimes I can't. Everyday I have to believe it's there though and that I am moving toward it.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
All the little things
I talk sometimes about how my life revolves around the scale. I think for a lot of people this is the case. I think it's important however that we step back. Acknowledge that the scale is integral but think about all the accomplishments that the scale doesn't read.
Last night I was cleaning out my drawers and I tried on a nightie I hadn't tried on since around the late summer probably. It was too tight then. I remember it very clearly being too tight. The way it clung to my stomach. So I tried it on, and it was too big. I couldn't believe it.
We, people on a weight loss journey, I feel often for weeks at a time get caught up on a small group of numbers on the scale and all too rarely think about the small things. The things that have enriched our lives.
I'm active now. I went from being a sedentary person to wanting to push myself physically. Challenge myself. I'm learning to run, the thing I loathed doing before. I'm more honest with myself and others, because I'm less afraid to me. I'm more assertive. My confidence has morphed from false to legitimate and real. Even at this weight, I don't mind pictures being taken of me where I used to run from it (clearly not literally). I smile more. I like clothes shopping more. I like that I'm starting to not be able to buy from plus size clothing stores. I like that this process has given me the mental and physical tools to deal with stress in a much more healthy way. I like that my body can move. I like that I like to move now. And hey, I don't mind looking at myself on the way to the shower either.
At this point I absolutely cannot envision giving up the scale. It's important and I see why and with so much weight to go, it's necessary. With that said, take a minute people. Think about the things you couldn't do before but can do now. The things that you didn't like but do now. The the way your life and body have changed beyond a number. Give yourself a pat on the back.
Last night I was cleaning out my drawers and I tried on a nightie I hadn't tried on since around the late summer probably. It was too tight then. I remember it very clearly being too tight. The way it clung to my stomach. So I tried it on, and it was too big. I couldn't believe it.
We, people on a weight loss journey, I feel often for weeks at a time get caught up on a small group of numbers on the scale and all too rarely think about the small things. The things that have enriched our lives.
I'm active now. I went from being a sedentary person to wanting to push myself physically. Challenge myself. I'm learning to run, the thing I loathed doing before. I'm more honest with myself and others, because I'm less afraid to me. I'm more assertive. My confidence has morphed from false to legitimate and real. Even at this weight, I don't mind pictures being taken of me where I used to run from it (clearly not literally). I smile more. I like clothes shopping more. I like that I'm starting to not be able to buy from plus size clothing stores. I like that this process has given me the mental and physical tools to deal with stress in a much more healthy way. I like that my body can move. I like that I like to move now. And hey, I don't mind looking at myself on the way to the shower either.
At this point I absolutely cannot envision giving up the scale. It's important and I see why and with so much weight to go, it's necessary. With that said, take a minute people. Think about the things you couldn't do before but can do now. The things that you didn't like but do now. The the way your life and body have changed beyond a number. Give yourself a pat on the back.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Saturday weigh-in
So overall this past week has been a pretty positive one. I ate fairly sensibly most of the days and worked out as soon as the gym was open and I was better. With that said I had a dramatic (for me) weight loss last Saturday so I weighed myself this Saturday and the numbers came out like this:
Previous weigh in: 240lbs.
Saturday the 7th of January weigh in: 241.8lbs.
Loss -/ Gain +: +1.8lbs
Goal for Saturday the 14th of January: 239.5
I could be upset if I wanted and honestly, I'm a smidgen disappointed. However with the weight I have lost in the past three weeks it comes out to over three pounds a week lost so I can't be devastated. Those are good numbers. So I'm taking it with a grain of salt and really focusing on this week.
However on Saturday I was walking around kind of discouraged and mopey. I caught myself. I have lost almost a hundred pounds so far, which is kind of amazing. In the face of that I need to remind myself, what can stop me? But more importantly what would I ever let stop me? Because nothing can stop me if I don't allow it. So really the only one that can stop me, discourage me or sabotage me is myself. I can't let something like this stop me. Especially when there will be much greater obstacles ahead. How could I give up, at all, when I'm so far into this journey? It might be an incredibly long way to the finish line, but I'm just too far into the race to doubt whether I should be here or not.
On another note, I sent away for a copy of my British mothers birth certificate and a copy of my parents marriage license. So getting my British passport I feel is coming a long quite well. When I get them I can send off for it (along with a lot of other documents and paperwork), so I feel good about that.
Also I have been setting myself allotted school work to do each day and I have been pretty much accomplishing that. Saturday when I worked I didn't do any but yesterday I did do some. It's a lot more than I was doing before and I feel way less stressed out. Do you ever let things go or avoid them because they seem insurmountable and then avoid them for that reason as well? Allow the stress to collect? I was thinking this can be true for me in many other ways besides school.
As for my weekly goal of 239.5lbs? I'm desperate for it. I honestly think that it's less than I weighed in grade seven. Sometimes it feels like I live weigh-in to weigh-in and sometimes it feels like I live more now than I ever did before.
Previous weigh in: 240lbs.
Saturday the 7th of January weigh in: 241.8lbs.
Loss -/ Gain +: +1.8lbs
Goal for Saturday the 14th of January: 239.5
I could be upset if I wanted and honestly, I'm a smidgen disappointed. However with the weight I have lost in the past three weeks it comes out to over three pounds a week lost so I can't be devastated. Those are good numbers. So I'm taking it with a grain of salt and really focusing on this week.
However on Saturday I was walking around kind of discouraged and mopey. I caught myself. I have lost almost a hundred pounds so far, which is kind of amazing. In the face of that I need to remind myself, what can stop me? But more importantly what would I ever let stop me? Because nothing can stop me if I don't allow it. So really the only one that can stop me, discourage me or sabotage me is myself. I can't let something like this stop me. Especially when there will be much greater obstacles ahead. How could I give up, at all, when I'm so far into this journey? It might be an incredibly long way to the finish line, but I'm just too far into the race to doubt whether I should be here or not.
On another note, I sent away for a copy of my British mothers birth certificate and a copy of my parents marriage license. So getting my British passport I feel is coming a long quite well. When I get them I can send off for it (along with a lot of other documents and paperwork), so I feel good about that.
Also I have been setting myself allotted school work to do each day and I have been pretty much accomplishing that. Saturday when I worked I didn't do any but yesterday I did do some. It's a lot more than I was doing before and I feel way less stressed out. Do you ever let things go or avoid them because they seem insurmountable and then avoid them for that reason as well? Allow the stress to collect? I was thinking this can be true for me in many other ways besides school.
As for my weekly goal of 239.5lbs? I'm desperate for it. I honestly think that it's less than I weighed in grade seven. Sometimes it feels like I live weigh-in to weigh-in and sometimes it feels like I live more now than I ever did before.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Point one Becky.
Yesterday was a really good day, but it really showed me something. It showed me that learning to stop eating when your full is a really long process and maybe it gets easier but maybe It doesn't stop. I know that isn't revolutionary but even in the beginning of my weight loss and really up until a couple months ago I was still overeating. I can't remember a time when I didn't finish what was on my plate if I found it appetizing. When losing weight I just have done my best to make my plate less full, but if ever I intentionally or unintentionally took too much food, I ate it. Not binge eating but still overeating.
I had a great eating day yesterday, two very appropriately sized nutritious meals and a fantastic workout. I did a great cardio session and a lower body workout and then when it came time for dinner my mum made paella. I think in cutting out a lot of processed foods from my diet I have learned to appreciate the taste of real food more. She made it with brown rice and it was delicious. Like stop and give her a round of applause delicious. So I tested it before we all ate dinner, about three times. Which is a bad habit but I could have gotten over that. Then I ate my meal and I was plenty full, not just not hungry, but full. Then when I went back into the kitchen I ate more 'bites'. I'm so bad for the 'bites' too. Like if I have four spoonfuls of something it doesn't have the calories as it would have if it had been on a plate. It's like I just smother the common sense Becky that is yelling 'it might be delicious but your full, so why eat?'. I ended up being mad at myself after such a good day.
This morning however, I had paella for breakfast (Hey, it really was delicious) but I didn't overeat. In fact I did something kind of sensational for me, I left food on the plate. I put it in the fridge and did something else. It's such a small thing but such a big thing for me. I feel like I won that battle, and that's all a war is composed of right?, a long series of battles? It isn't just the scale numbers that give me hope. I don't think it can be just that in something like this. It's the little things as well. Point one Becky.
I had a great eating day yesterday, two very appropriately sized nutritious meals and a fantastic workout. I did a great cardio session and a lower body workout and then when it came time for dinner my mum made paella. I think in cutting out a lot of processed foods from my diet I have learned to appreciate the taste of real food more. She made it with brown rice and it was delicious. Like stop and give her a round of applause delicious. So I tested it before we all ate dinner, about three times. Which is a bad habit but I could have gotten over that. Then I ate my meal and I was plenty full, not just not hungry, but full. Then when I went back into the kitchen I ate more 'bites'. I'm so bad for the 'bites' too. Like if I have four spoonfuls of something it doesn't have the calories as it would have if it had been on a plate. It's like I just smother the common sense Becky that is yelling 'it might be delicious but your full, so why eat?'. I ended up being mad at myself after such a good day.
This morning however, I had paella for breakfast (Hey, it really was delicious) but I didn't overeat. In fact I did something kind of sensational for me, I left food on the plate. I put it in the fridge and did something else. It's such a small thing but such a big thing for me. I feel like I won that battle, and that's all a war is composed of right?, a long series of battles? It isn't just the scale numbers that give me hope. I don't think it can be just that in something like this. It's the little things as well. Point one Becky.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
2012 Goals
My 2012 goals are thus:
* Finish losing weight.
* Travel to Europe.
* Get my British citizenship.
* Finish my high school upgrading.
* Go bungee jumping.
* Work on flying anxiety.
Losing weight: This is a lifelong journey I started in February of 2011. I weighed 340lbs and I want to be at a goal weight of around 175. I have every faith the next 65lbs will be dramatically harder then the first 100lbs but I want it. I want it really bad. And I want to be there this year.
Get my British citizenship: My mother is British so whilst I am Canadian I am eligible to apply for dual citizenship and my British passport. For tons of reasons this would be exciting to have. The first step was harassing my mum into sending away for a copy of her lost birth certificate which is done. Now I wait two weeks until I can assume my role in the process.
Travel to Europe: I have dual Citizenship with England and half my family is there. Whilst I loathe flying because it's my worst fear, ironically I love to travel. I want to see so many things in Europe. I want to spend a lot of time In England to see if I would be interested in living there for a while. I want to go by myself. I want adventure. This is it. I have already started saving up for it and I'm already excited. I originally wanted to make this sort of a positive deadline for my weight loss. Lose all the weight by August something and take off. However, I didn't expect the extra skin issue. Because I have been so big my whole life I already have a lot of extra skin on my arms and sides and more I know to come. Do I really want to go to Europe like this? If I have the surgery I know I will need to have it takes two months to recover and will push me into winter which would be an unfortunate time to go. I have to think on this, but I really want it THIS year.
Finish my high school upgrading: I have done some college but to take the kind of degree I'm considering taking I need courses as prerequisites I have never taken. So I'm taking them, and dragging my but about it. In a big way. I want to accomplish this in 2012 and never see it again.
Bungee Jumping: It may sound a little silly, my brother got a gift certificate for Christmas and has no one to go with an I said I would go with him. This is something never in my life I would have considered actually going through with before. I'm less self conscious now and I feel like I have spent a lot of years in a lot of ways sitting on the sidelines. That isn't me anymore, this is part of that.
Flying Anxiety: It is so possible I am the worst person to fly with you have ever met. I used to be totally fine flying and now it's my worst fear. I know it's ridiculous but I can work myself into a panic attack just thinking about it. Actually 40,000 feet in the air? It's absurd. I'm a terror filled basket case of proportions not seen by many. I love to travel and see new places so I know I need to get over this. I'm not sure how, but I really want to make progress with this in 2012. After all, my flight to England will be ten hours.
Best hopes and good luck for all for a New Year, if your anything like me, your going to need them.
Monday, January 2, 2012
And onward
Today was all about starting back up. You might think, why not January 1st? If your thinking that I can only assume it's because you did not ingest the amount of alcohol I did December 31st. Brava to you, the rest of us needed to regain fluids and attempt not to lose any more ; )
Also I have been really sick and therefore have been unable to go to the gym. Honestly, I'm still not a hundred percent but I am good enough I felt to hit the gym. It felt awesome to even go. I mean it didn't all day before knowing I was going to. Once I had come and gone though it did. It just makes me feel more positive and less anxious or mopey or anything negative like that.
I couldn't do a ton. I did about twenty five minutes on the elliptical, forty reclining situps and a little arm work. The doctor said I had to go easy today and honestly I completely agree. I was breathing in at the end of my twenty five minutes and my chest was hurting. Hopefully, I can go a little longer tomorrow and continue on that trend.
This last week of being sick and it being the holidays, I was happy for the holidays but I have felt overwhelmingly more anxious and stressed. It isn't all gone from going to the gym, but I can honestly say it significantly helped.
There are so many things besides weight loss that seem to be shelved because of it. Sometimes this isn't realistic but in my life most of the time it is. This can't continue, I know I need to find a way to better combine the two. Whether it's work harder or do a better job of managing my time. I feel like it's a strong combination of the two. Maybe setting mini goals for the day? Regardless, school needs to be a priority in the way it just hasn't been. I'm upgrading certain high school courses like Bio 12 and Chem 12 ect. I hate it, it's interesting but I hate learning this way. I'm all about being verbal, ingesting all my material through reading can be challenging. I have been majorly procrastinating. I'm hoping by writing this I will offer more accountability. I'm considering trying to take my approach to weight loss and using it for school. There is so much to do, it's overwhelming, much like my starting weight. So start, working a little everyday, being accountable to myself and trying to make myself proud.
Also I have been really sick and therefore have been unable to go to the gym. Honestly, I'm still not a hundred percent but I am good enough I felt to hit the gym. It felt awesome to even go. I mean it didn't all day before knowing I was going to. Once I had come and gone though it did. It just makes me feel more positive and less anxious or mopey or anything negative like that.
I couldn't do a ton. I did about twenty five minutes on the elliptical, forty reclining situps and a little arm work. The doctor said I had to go easy today and honestly I completely agree. I was breathing in at the end of my twenty five minutes and my chest was hurting. Hopefully, I can go a little longer tomorrow and continue on that trend.
This last week of being sick and it being the holidays, I was happy for the holidays but I have felt overwhelmingly more anxious and stressed. It isn't all gone from going to the gym, but I can honestly say it significantly helped.
There are so many things besides weight loss that seem to be shelved because of it. Sometimes this isn't realistic but in my life most of the time it is. This can't continue, I know I need to find a way to better combine the two. Whether it's work harder or do a better job of managing my time. I feel like it's a strong combination of the two. Maybe setting mini goals for the day? Regardless, school needs to be a priority in the way it just hasn't been. I'm upgrading certain high school courses like Bio 12 and Chem 12 ect. I hate it, it's interesting but I hate learning this way. I'm all about being verbal, ingesting all my material through reading can be challenging. I have been majorly procrastinating. I'm hoping by writing this I will offer more accountability. I'm considering trying to take my approach to weight loss and using it for school. There is so much to do, it's overwhelming, much like my starting weight. So start, working a little everyday, being accountable to myself and trying to make myself proud.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Post being a baby.
I was decidedly being a drama queen yesterday. Yesterday I ate sushi and appetizers and none of it was good for me. I didn't binge but I definitely overate. I'm finding it's a little bit of an art going form ignoring hunger and satiation cues for years and than learning when to stop eating. Then to be able to stop eating what you love when it's in front of you. Then to not think about where it is in the house and have it in the back of your head. I'm not making leaps with this, but I do feel I have taken some small steps.
It was New Years Eve last night. I drank. I ate. I was merry. I feel a little differently about the drop in weight and probable and eventual gain. I can't change if I gain weight from being sick and not eating and then getting better and eating.
What I can do is what I do. I can eat well. I can try and eat within my calories. I can go to the gym tomorrow. I can go to the gym every day until my weigh in next Saturday. I need to stop worrying about the things I cannot change and worry about what is within my power reasonably. I'm not going to starve myself to stay at this number. I'm going to do what I can. I'm going to get back there. I'm not going to stop. I'm not going to.
It was New Years Eve last night. I drank. I ate. I was merry. I feel a little differently about the drop in weight and probable and eventual gain. I can't change if I gain weight from being sick and not eating and then getting better and eating.
What I can do is what I do. I can eat well. I can try and eat within my calories. I can go to the gym tomorrow. I can go to the gym every day until my weigh in next Saturday. I need to stop worrying about the things I cannot change and worry about what is within my power reasonably. I'm not going to starve myself to stay at this number. I'm going to do what I can. I'm going to get back there. I'm not going to stop. I'm not going to.
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