I have been struggling with being able to track my progress lately. It's hard to weigh myself because not to get too graphic but my gastrointestinal tract is all backed up, making the scale currently inaccurate or so my doctor says (thank god). The scale number has been stagnant and raised a couple pounds and I know that it isn't accurate but boy did it mess with my heads for a few days.
Today I didn't eat quite as immaculately as I would have liked. I ate sushi and pad thai and too much of both. But I feel great. Here's why,
I started getting sick of the gym, I kept going, but I wasn't enjoying it. Not in the 'Oh my gosh I'm busting my bag on this treadmill, I can't go on' kind of way but more a 'I'm so stupidly bored' sort of way. So I switched it up, I have upped the intensity of what I do individually on the treadmill and I'm mixing it up a little bit. Today I did 30 minutes on the treadmill which equaled 2.6 miles, I did the rowing machine for 20 minutes. On Saturday I did the elliptical at a higher resistance for less time and then 40 minutes of the bike. Often I am still doing my go to elliptical/treadmill combo but if I mix it up a little bit, I don't get nearly as bored. I start to enjoy it more. I get back that post workout high I love so much. Today, right now, I feel really good.
I feel reassured that the fluctuation on the scale is not because of what I am doing but frankly because a medication I am taking has made me so dramatically constipated (Sorry, I know, TMI).
I am not going to weigh myself until I get my gut sorted out and after my next period. I hope that's soon!
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
For me.
I feel thrown off. My head and body feel off. I have been so strong in my head and body in recent months but I am now feeling thrown off in several different ways. Mentally I have felt tired without reason, I have not been feeling very good about myself, I have been reluctant in working out (although I have) and more anxious. Physically I have been snacking between meals (not majorly but a couple bites here and there and it all adds up) and other less polite physical conditions that make you feel permanently clogged up. I just feel off in general. I was doing so well and then honestly I think I booked my ticket to England.
Before I think it felt like my weight loss was all for me, I set myself challenging goals but I had no deadlines or hard stone dates to lose by. So I book myself this last minute flight to travel in England in almost exactly five weeks from today. I did this about a week ago. I'm clearly unstable. Who with a huge irrational fear of flying books a ten hour plane ticket less than two months away? ...Clearly a boy is involved.
So now I have this date, March 20th that I plan on flying to England. All of a sudden it's 'how many pounds can I lose between now and then?'. I have so few clothes in the way that fit me because they are now too big and I can't afford to buy new ones because of this trip. So I have goal clothes I have mentioned before and really they need a minimum ten or fifteen pounds lost to wear well and that is what I have to wear. So I am stressing all the time with if I don't lose X amount of pounds then I will have literally nothing to wear with the exception of pajamas and workout clothes.
I think before I set goals for myself but I didn't have to lose weight FOR anything. And now I feel stressed and because now I have to, I don't want to. I'm starting to snack and dragging my feet to the gym. I'm being hard on myself waiting for a certain date. I shouldn't be living life only preparing for one date. And I shouldn't be losing weight for anything but me, my health and my happiness. I need to refocus myself. Eating and working out for me, not for clothes or a trip or a guy. I'm not sure what I will do for clothes but I am going to do my best to not worry about that until a week before I leave, not even think about it. If my clothes don't fit then, I will figure something out but it will not be the end of the world. I need to eat, exercise and lose weight for me only.
Before I think it felt like my weight loss was all for me, I set myself challenging goals but I had no deadlines or hard stone dates to lose by. So I book myself this last minute flight to travel in England in almost exactly five weeks from today. I did this about a week ago. I'm clearly unstable. Who with a huge irrational fear of flying books a ten hour plane ticket less than two months away? ...Clearly a boy is involved.
So now I have this date, March 20th that I plan on flying to England. All of a sudden it's 'how many pounds can I lose between now and then?'. I have so few clothes in the way that fit me because they are now too big and I can't afford to buy new ones because of this trip. So I have goal clothes I have mentioned before and really they need a minimum ten or fifteen pounds lost to wear well and that is what I have to wear. So I am stressing all the time with if I don't lose X amount of pounds then I will have literally nothing to wear with the exception of pajamas and workout clothes.
I think before I set goals for myself but I didn't have to lose weight FOR anything. And now I feel stressed and because now I have to, I don't want to. I'm starting to snack and dragging my feet to the gym. I'm being hard on myself waiting for a certain date. I shouldn't be living life only preparing for one date. And I shouldn't be losing weight for anything but me, my health and my happiness. I need to refocus myself. Eating and working out for me, not for clothes or a trip or a guy. I'm not sure what I will do for clothes but I am going to do my best to not worry about that until a week before I leave, not even think about it. If my clothes don't fit then, I will figure something out but it will not be the end of the world. I need to eat, exercise and lose weight for me only.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Something to look forward to.
Tonight I really can't stop the tears from coming. I feel cheated. I feel like I never had a chance for my body to look it's best. I started gaining weight in kindergarten and all through elementary school and middle school and high school I had a radically self destructive relationship with food.
I don't honestly know where it came from. Maybe watching someone I love emotionally eat? When I thought food I thought delicious and something to look forward to and comfort and happiness. That in itself shouldn't be the reason a 340lb 18 year old comes to be. Whatever it was, it was. It was my life and that's all I ever knew, that's all I remember. So it lead me to the point it did and I have done my best to change my life in the past year. And I have. It's different, things are not easy but it is so beautifully different. Except with 53lbs still to lose I have skin hanging off of me in flaps, on my arms drastically, my breasts, my sides and my stomach.
Lately I have been researching the surgeries I will need and I have seen the scars these amazing people have, pictures even from several years later. They make me want to scream, I am so young! I am too young to be on blood pressure medication or to have a sedentary lifestyle but for heaven's sake, aren't I too young to have thick scars lining my arms? My breasts? My sides? My stomach?
When I was young I had excema that left scars on my legs so as a teenager I covered up my legs and arms. I got over the faded scars but didn't want to wear sleeveless shirts or shorts because of how overweight I was. I lost/am losing weight. Now I am diagnosed with a skin condition leaving pale stains looking similar to scars all over my legs and arms. They will just keep coming. I am staring at a future of vicious scars all along my body. Is that fair?
Tomorrow I will keep going and be brave and deal with life as it comes, but tonight I don't feel like it's fair. I feel cheated.
I don't honestly know where it came from. Maybe watching someone I love emotionally eat? When I thought food I thought delicious and something to look forward to and comfort and happiness. That in itself shouldn't be the reason a 340lb 18 year old comes to be. Whatever it was, it was. It was my life and that's all I ever knew, that's all I remember. So it lead me to the point it did and I have done my best to change my life in the past year. And I have. It's different, things are not easy but it is so beautifully different. Except with 53lbs still to lose I have skin hanging off of me in flaps, on my arms drastically, my breasts, my sides and my stomach.
Lately I have been researching the surgeries I will need and I have seen the scars these amazing people have, pictures even from several years later. They make me want to scream, I am so young! I am too young to be on blood pressure medication or to have a sedentary lifestyle but for heaven's sake, aren't I too young to have thick scars lining my arms? My breasts? My sides? My stomach?
When I was young I had excema that left scars on my legs so as a teenager I covered up my legs and arms. I got over the faded scars but didn't want to wear sleeveless shirts or shorts because of how overweight I was. I lost/am losing weight. Now I am diagnosed with a skin condition leaving pale stains looking similar to scars all over my legs and arms. They will just keep coming. I am staring at a future of vicious scars all along my body. Is that fair?
Tomorrow I will keep going and be brave and deal with life as it comes, but tonight I don't feel like it's fair. I feel cheated.
February 11th Weigh In
Saturday weekly weigh-in.
February the 4th: 228lbs
This week, February the 11th: 227.2
Total loss/gain: -.08lbs
I lost a total of .08lbs this week. I would be lying If I said I wasn't pissed off. I work my ass off at the gym every week to step on the scale on Saturday's and see a significant change. I'm so frustrated. More than that I am scared I have hit a plateau. Up until now It hasn't been an issue in the least. I very regularly up the amount I am exercising and decrease what I am eating.
I can't eat a ton fewer calories then I am right now. Any nibbling or tasting I can eliminate but other than that and eating cleanly I can't reduce my total caloric intake much. I was already worried I wasn't eating enough for my height, weight and activity level. This week I will eat clean, I will know where all my calories go and I will use them wisely.
What I can do is change my exercise. In a typical workout I work the treadmill for 400-450 calories and then jog on the treadmill for 1-1.5 miles. The more I run the shorter the time on the elliptical. I am busting my ass to do this, you throw in any strength training and stretching and I am at the gym for about 1.25-1.5 hours everyday. I can't mess with my calories that much, I can however give it even harder at the gym. Go harder on the treadmill, trust the little 'calories burned' screen on the machines less, listen to my body, switch it up and try some other machines. I am going to have all star workouts all this week. I am going to bust my ass like it's my job. This is super serious, I am not okay with this weight loss with 53lbs to go still.
February the 4th: 228lbs
This week, February the 11th: 227.2
Total loss/gain: -.08lbs
I lost a total of .08lbs this week. I would be lying If I said I wasn't pissed off. I work my ass off at the gym every week to step on the scale on Saturday's and see a significant change. I'm so frustrated. More than that I am scared I have hit a plateau. Up until now It hasn't been an issue in the least. I very regularly up the amount I am exercising and decrease what I am eating.
I can't eat a ton fewer calories then I am right now. Any nibbling or tasting I can eliminate but other than that and eating cleanly I can't reduce my total caloric intake much. I was already worried I wasn't eating enough for my height, weight and activity level. This week I will eat clean, I will know where all my calories go and I will use them wisely.
What I can do is change my exercise. In a typical workout I work the treadmill for 400-450 calories and then jog on the treadmill for 1-1.5 miles. The more I run the shorter the time on the elliptical. I am busting my ass to do this, you throw in any strength training and stretching and I am at the gym for about 1.25-1.5 hours everyday. I can't mess with my calories that much, I can however give it even harder at the gym. Go harder on the treadmill, trust the little 'calories burned' screen on the machines less, listen to my body, switch it up and try some other machines. I am going to have all star workouts all this week. I am going to bust my ass like it's my job. This is super serious, I am not okay with this weight loss with 53lbs to go still.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Cue In Becky
In the past few days I haven't been overeating dramatically but I have been ignoring my hunger cues a lot more, especially at dinner. I'll eat within reason or I'll stop when I am too full. It's hard to restrain and to hold myself back and to be so incredibly conscious about it all the time, so I laxed. I am renewing my efforts to try, to at the very least try every single time I eat something. Stop when I am not hungry anymore, not too full. It takes so much effort and it gets tiring but it is so worth it. I know it is now. I know it will be. Time to cue in Becky.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Weight loss tradeoffs.
In weight loss you make tradeoffs. You trade one thing for another constantly. You trade a sedentary lifestyle for an active one. Unhealthy food for balanced nutrition. Negative eating habits for positive ones. These are all positive changes but what about the tradeoffs we make in dramatic weight loss that aren't happy? Are not as overall shiny?
I have stretch marks. When I was at my absolute heaviest I had a few but not many at all. Really very few. Now 110lbs lighter I am streaked with them. My sides, my breasts, the tops of my shoulders, my stomach, my arms, my hips and thighs.
I don't mean to brag but at my heaviest, I had awesome boobs, I know it wasn't healthy and just fat but boy were they nice. The chest that carried them was too big around but at a DD cup, they made me feel womanly and sexy. 110Lbs lighter I have a deflated C cup and I am moving swiftly into a B cup. On a very tall big girl, these make me feel considerably less womanly.
Lastly, I have excess skin. I should say savage excess skin. When I was starting to lose weight everyone told me not to worry about extra skin because I was so young the elasticity in my skin would prevail. Cute people, I totally believed you. Until the bat wings emerged.
I have been overweight since I was in kindergarten. I have never been a normal weight. I needed plus size clothes before middle school. I was the fat kid who grew into the the fat girl who grew into the fat young woman. Because I have been fat so long my skin is not about to bounce back anytime soon. I have fairly severe excess skin around my breasts and sides. My arms are probably the worst though, the skin didn't reduce at all, I have the skin of a 340lb person on the body of a 228lb person.
It sucks that these things are true, it does. It would however suck a lot worse to have high blood pressure, a heart that's in danger or be winded by walking up a hill. Not all the tradeoffs are easy, but almost always they are worth it.
I have stretch marks. When I was at my absolute heaviest I had a few but not many at all. Really very few. Now 110lbs lighter I am streaked with them. My sides, my breasts, the tops of my shoulders, my stomach, my arms, my hips and thighs.
I don't mean to brag but at my heaviest, I had awesome boobs, I know it wasn't healthy and just fat but boy were they nice. The chest that carried them was too big around but at a DD cup, they made me feel womanly and sexy. 110Lbs lighter I have a deflated C cup and I am moving swiftly into a B cup. On a very tall big girl, these make me feel considerably less womanly.
Lastly, I have excess skin. I should say savage excess skin. When I was starting to lose weight everyone told me not to worry about extra skin because I was so young the elasticity in my skin would prevail. Cute people, I totally believed you. Until the bat wings emerged.
I have been overweight since I was in kindergarten. I have never been a normal weight. I needed plus size clothes before middle school. I was the fat kid who grew into the the fat girl who grew into the fat young woman. Because I have been fat so long my skin is not about to bounce back anytime soon. I have fairly severe excess skin around my breasts and sides. My arms are probably the worst though, the skin didn't reduce at all, I have the skin of a 340lb person on the body of a 228lb person.
It sucks that these things are true, it does. It would however suck a lot worse to have high blood pressure, a heart that's in danger or be winded by walking up a hill. Not all the tradeoffs are easy, but almost always they are worth it.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Saturday Weigh-In Febraury 4th
Saturday Weekly weigh-in. I was kind of dragging myself toward the scale this morning and on the same note it was the first thing I thought about when I woke up.
January 14th Weigh-In: 236lbs
February 4th Weigh-In: 228lbs
Weight loss/gain: -8lbs
When I started writing this post I was sort of disappointed with my progress. I have clothes in my closet I have purchased as goal pieces that I don't fit into yet. I was focusing on that. I just walked away for a minute and came back. That's nonsense! Its frankly a stronger word than that. 8Lbs in three weeks rocks. I have 53lbs to go. That might intimidate some people but it makes me so happy. When you start with 160-165lbs to go, 53lbs looks a little softer. And I'm going to rock it.
In the last three days I have been struggling, sometimes when I work so hard on my body I forget my head. That it needs almost as much work as my body does. Losing pounds does not equal confidence and a high self esteem, that's such a misconception. My goal this week is not only to lose weight and watch my calories and exercise but also make sure positive thoughts are battling negative ones and not letting them win.
Goal for next week: 225lbs
This will be challenging. I know there isn't going to be too many more weeks where I can bang out 3lbs and it will settle into 2lbs always and then heaven forbid, the dreaded 1lb.
Today I ate a few things I shouldn't have, like my dad's incredible ribs. I didn't eat a ton of them and I had some sushi for lunch but I did workout and I'm hoping to gain back any ground lost today this week coming. I am also going to be taking free yoga classes my gym offers this week. I really want to be a lot more flexible than I am. We'll see how my body feels about that.
January 14th Weigh-In: 236lbs
February 4th Weigh-In: 228lbs
Weight loss/gain: -8lbs
When I started writing this post I was sort of disappointed with my progress. I have clothes in my closet I have purchased as goal pieces that I don't fit into yet. I was focusing on that. I just walked away for a minute and came back. That's nonsense! Its frankly a stronger word than that. 8Lbs in three weeks rocks. I have 53lbs to go. That might intimidate some people but it makes me so happy. When you start with 160-165lbs to go, 53lbs looks a little softer. And I'm going to rock it.
In the last three days I have been struggling, sometimes when I work so hard on my body I forget my head. That it needs almost as much work as my body does. Losing pounds does not equal confidence and a high self esteem, that's such a misconception. My goal this week is not only to lose weight and watch my calories and exercise but also make sure positive thoughts are battling negative ones and not letting them win.
Goal for next week: 225lbs
This will be challenging. I know there isn't going to be too many more weeks where I can bang out 3lbs and it will settle into 2lbs always and then heaven forbid, the dreaded 1lb.
Today I ate a few things I shouldn't have, like my dad's incredible ribs. I didn't eat a ton of them and I had some sushi for lunch but I did workout and I'm hoping to gain back any ground lost today this week coming. I am also going to be taking free yoga classes my gym offers this week. I really want to be a lot more flexible than I am. We'll see how my body feels about that.
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