So I weighed myself today. If this had been any other Saturday weigh in I would have been jumping for joy. As it stands I'm just staring at the scale like a a brownie sunday that says it's zero calories. That's not true. This is not true. I the gym goer, did not go to the gym at all for one whole week. Very unusual, as I mentioned I had tonsillitis, pretty savagely. I couldn't consume nearly as many calories as I usually do and one day none at all. So this is how it went.
Saturday 17th of December: 251.5
Saturday 31st of December: 240
Weight +/- : -11.5
It's impossible for me to enjoy this. I didn't earn this. I didn't work for it. I didn't sweat for it. But hey! I'm not a saint, I could probably......Definitely....definitely people, get over that. Except. Except I know it isn't going to stay the same. I know it isn't. It can't. I'm eating more calories now and on Monday when my gym reopens after New Years day I'm going to go. I'm going to gain it back. It's like being given ten thousand dollars and the, Oh wait, no no no, you don't get to keep that. That's a month's worth of work for me. About twenty to twenty four visits to the gym.
Thinking now, I probably shouldn't have weighed myself. I'm paranoid now and I want to keep it at that weight but I know I can't. It's kind of sad. I'm trying to promise myself I'll get back to this point soon, that I'll earn this weight and I won't gain it back. I know that's right, but it totally sucks. So now it's a waiting game for next Saturday and also a question of, how long will it take me to gain back the weight? Will I regain ALL 11.5 pounds of it? Will it mess with an accurate view of my real weight loss for a while? Do any of my workouts or healthy eating account for any of that weight loss? Was any of that weight dropped my doing?
Guess we'll see.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Friday, December 30, 2011
Gearing up for weekly weigh in/I do not know what I am doing.
I am sick people, recovering but sick. The last day I went to the gym was Christmas eve, which I'm sure you can imagine made me feel like a fabulous hero. I was planning on missing Christmas (the gym isn't even open then and I knew even if it was I would get justified family ridicule) and then going back on boxing day. I was planning on that. I woke up on boxing day to find myself sick, something viral in my throat which by boxing day night had rapidly turned into tonsillitis. I am telling you, whatever Doctor decided in my childhood 'We should probably keep those in there, what harm could they reap ten years later?' clearly dropped the ball. Hard.
So since the 26th of December I have have done a formidable impersonation of a blanket, splayed out in bed, not moving. Two kinds of antibiotics later, I do feel much better. Not like 'you wouldn't wana meet me in a dark alley' strong. But stronger.
I typically do my weigh in's on Saturday's. I was sort of torn about tomorrow's weigh in for a whole bunch of reasons:
*Although I stuffed myself with turkey, gravy, potatoes, cheese appetizers and tiramisu /trifle for three days straight, I also ate sporadically and very little when I was sick.
*Yesterday was the last day of my period. I skip Saturday weigh ins on weeks when I have my period because I have so much water retention that it just messes with my head, I know it takes about three days to get that off so I'm a little iffy on that.
*I'm dehydrated from being sick which could come through in either water retention because my body is holding onto it or in a loss because I'm retaining very little.
So If I have gained, I'm not sure I can trust that, and if I have lost any (doubtful) I'm not sure I can trust that either. Alas, I'm going to do that anyways. I have decided to start posting my Saturday weigh ins as well. I figure whatever it is, take it with a pinch of salt (Salt substitute, don't want to bloat) and focus on next week's weigh in.
I also wanted to say, I don't know how to blog. I want to make it very clear I don't know what I'm doing. I don't at this point even know what a plug-in is. I don't have facebook (I'm the only one left standing) or twitter, which I realize might be a problem. I don't know what I'm doing, but yesterday I felt anxious and jumbled and worried and it made me feel better when I posted. In a big way. Lighter in a way that has nothing to do with calories. So for that, I'm going to stumble my way through, because it made this feel worthwhile. I didn't really know what I was doing when I started losing weight, but I'm learning and in the same way, I hope I can continue to stumble through this whilst I begin to learn.
So since the 26th of December I have have done a formidable impersonation of a blanket, splayed out in bed, not moving. Two kinds of antibiotics later, I do feel much better. Not like 'you wouldn't wana meet me in a dark alley' strong. But stronger.
I typically do my weigh in's on Saturday's. I was sort of torn about tomorrow's weigh in for a whole bunch of reasons:
*Although I stuffed myself with turkey, gravy, potatoes, cheese appetizers and tiramisu /trifle for three days straight, I also ate sporadically and very little when I was sick.
*Yesterday was the last day of my period. I skip Saturday weigh ins on weeks when I have my period because I have so much water retention that it just messes with my head, I know it takes about three days to get that off so I'm a little iffy on that.
*I'm dehydrated from being sick which could come through in either water retention because my body is holding onto it or in a loss because I'm retaining very little.
So If I have gained, I'm not sure I can trust that, and if I have lost any (doubtful) I'm not sure I can trust that either. Alas, I'm going to do that anyways. I have decided to start posting my Saturday weigh ins as well. I figure whatever it is, take it with a pinch of salt (Salt substitute, don't want to bloat) and focus on next week's weigh in.
I also wanted to say, I don't know how to blog. I want to make it very clear I don't know what I'm doing. I don't at this point even know what a plug-in is. I don't have facebook (I'm the only one left standing) or twitter, which I realize might be a problem. I don't know what I'm doing, but yesterday I felt anxious and jumbled and worried and it made me feel better when I posted. In a big way. Lighter in a way that has nothing to do with calories. So for that, I'm going to stumble my way through, because it made this feel worthwhile. I didn't really know what I was doing when I started losing weight, but I'm learning and in the same way, I hope I can continue to stumble through this whilst I begin to learn.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Step up.
I feel like in so many ways I am always thinking about my weight or weight loss. It has changed my life this year and it feels like it's both something I daily strive towards and just can't escape.
I started losing weight at the end of February 2011 but things have changed since then. It started with me going to the gym and being proud I could go 15 minutes (and that was pushing it) at a low resistance on the elliptical to trying to teach myself to run almost 90lbs lighter.
I guess I did assume unintentionally it would get easier, but honestly I'm not sure I ever really believed I would make it this far. Still sometimes it feels like I'm faking it or I have lost the weight I have by accident. Some days it feels like I'm going to wake up and find I am the same weight I was ten months ago. I think about weight loss and weight gain all the time, it's often the last thought I have before I go to bed, the one that always comes with me clothes shopping, the one I push away when I want to eat something without thinking or make an unwise choice. The thing that has made me feel differently about almost everything, myself, what I can do, the world.
I didn't do much at first and I found it hard, I ate somewhat less but I didn't jump on a 1500 calorie diet. I overate, I ate things that were bad for me, I just did it slightly less than I used to. I also started going to the gym, which was terrifying and embarrassing at first. The only thing that forced me to go that first day was sheer stubbornness and maybe a little (or a lot) of desperation.
That involved into going to the gym almost everyday but still not eating fantastically. Incorporating more vegetables and water into my meals but still eating a lot. As the months have gone by I have made gradual improvements to my diet, eyeballing but not counting calories and starting to think more about actual hunger vs emotional hunger.
In this way I think it has gotten harder in maybe a different way. Now half way through my weight loss or so, it feels like I began with two left feet. I feel like from February up until now I have been learning to dance. It's taken time and it wasn't easy, but I know how now. I know the basic steps, what's needed to make them and how to perform them. It's like just having learned how to dance and then being presented with swan lake as a goal.
I have seventy or eighty more pounds to lose. But lately I feel like the game has changed. That I need to step up MY game to keep playing. That eyeballing calories might not be enough. That all the times I eat things I know I shouldn't or even too much of things I should, need to come to a slower, much slower, pace. That my exercise needs to be pushed and that I need to push physically, more than I have thus far. The more weight you lose, the harder it is to lose it.
I am not belittling what I have done. On average I have lost 2.2 pounds a week since the end of last February. I could have lost it a lot faster, for all that I let thoughts of it override me, I know I could have. But I wanted this to be something I could live with for the rest of my life. So how do I balance that with stepping up my game?
I started losing weight at the end of February 2011 but things have changed since then. It started with me going to the gym and being proud I could go 15 minutes (and that was pushing it) at a low resistance on the elliptical to trying to teach myself to run almost 90lbs lighter.
I guess I did assume unintentionally it would get easier, but honestly I'm not sure I ever really believed I would make it this far. Still sometimes it feels like I'm faking it or I have lost the weight I have by accident. Some days it feels like I'm going to wake up and find I am the same weight I was ten months ago. I think about weight loss and weight gain all the time, it's often the last thought I have before I go to bed, the one that always comes with me clothes shopping, the one I push away when I want to eat something without thinking or make an unwise choice. The thing that has made me feel differently about almost everything, myself, what I can do, the world.
I didn't do much at first and I found it hard, I ate somewhat less but I didn't jump on a 1500 calorie diet. I overate, I ate things that were bad for me, I just did it slightly less than I used to. I also started going to the gym, which was terrifying and embarrassing at first. The only thing that forced me to go that first day was sheer stubbornness and maybe a little (or a lot) of desperation.
That involved into going to the gym almost everyday but still not eating fantastically. Incorporating more vegetables and water into my meals but still eating a lot. As the months have gone by I have made gradual improvements to my diet, eyeballing but not counting calories and starting to think more about actual hunger vs emotional hunger.
In this way I think it has gotten harder in maybe a different way. Now half way through my weight loss or so, it feels like I began with two left feet. I feel like from February up until now I have been learning to dance. It's taken time and it wasn't easy, but I know how now. I know the basic steps, what's needed to make them and how to perform them. It's like just having learned how to dance and then being presented with swan lake as a goal.
I have seventy or eighty more pounds to lose. But lately I feel like the game has changed. That I need to step up MY game to keep playing. That eyeballing calories might not be enough. That all the times I eat things I know I shouldn't or even too much of things I should, need to come to a slower, much slower, pace. That my exercise needs to be pushed and that I need to push physically, more than I have thus far. The more weight you lose, the harder it is to lose it.
I am not belittling what I have done. On average I have lost 2.2 pounds a week since the end of last February. I could have lost it a lot faster, for all that I let thoughts of it override me, I know I could have. But I wanted this to be something I could live with for the rest of my life. So how do I balance that with stepping up my game?
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Meeting me, Meeting you.
Hey there, my name is Rebecca.
I am twenty years old and I have struggled with my weight all my life. I have always wanted to start a weight loss blog. I have started a few but always left them after about two posts. I am going to stick to this one this time, for all sorts of reasons but mainly because I need a journal and a place to talk and sort things out.
I really have been fat all my life. When I was little I ate lemon cake to make myself feel better when my dog died. When I was in grade seven I realized the only jeans that would fit me would be from a plus size clothing store. Its changed me and shaped me (Get it) for my whole life. I am trying; have been trying to break away from that. To become healthy, to not let my weight define my choices, or my opportunities.
At the height of 5'10- 5'11, my starting weight in February 2011 was: 340lbs
My Goal weight is: 170lbs - 180lbs
My current weight in December 2011 is 250lbs
When I figure out how to upload pictures off a family members camera I will post photos of me at my heaviest and me now. My weight loss is and will be a journey, a struggle and a blessing.
Once again, I'm Becky, this is me losing it, it's a pleasure to meet you.
I am twenty years old and I have struggled with my weight all my life. I have always wanted to start a weight loss blog. I have started a few but always left them after about two posts. I am going to stick to this one this time, for all sorts of reasons but mainly because I need a journal and a place to talk and sort things out.
I really have been fat all my life. When I was little I ate lemon cake to make myself feel better when my dog died. When I was in grade seven I realized the only jeans that would fit me would be from a plus size clothing store. Its changed me and shaped me (Get it) for my whole life. I am trying; have been trying to break away from that. To become healthy, to not let my weight define my choices, or my opportunities.
At the height of 5'10- 5'11, my starting weight in February 2011 was: 340lbs
My Goal weight is: 170lbs - 180lbs
My current weight in December 2011 is 250lbs
When I figure out how to upload pictures off a family members camera I will post photos of me at my heaviest and me now. My weight loss is and will be a journey, a struggle and a blessing.
Once again, I'm Becky, this is me losing it, it's a pleasure to meet you.
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